Describing Characters

One of the hard lessons I've learned about writing is the proper way to describe characters. I grew frustrated with books that didn't describe at least their main character in some detail (it still bugs me at times), and I didn't want to be one of those authors that left literally nothing to the reader's imagination.

First I'll talk about the mugshot description versus the narrated description, and then I'll talk about describing character personality and reactions.

Mugshot

What is a mugshot description? It is when you first introduce a character and you want to explain all their physical details right away. Here's an example from my 2008 draft of Sunstone:

““Tas!” Hera purred, grasping the other's forearm. “I haven't seen you for...” She cocked her feathery head. “Well, for awhile now. Well met, my friend!”

Tasaru Enkar was a Molouk, native to Ramirra, and was known as “Tas” to her friends and family. Standing at six and a half feet to the base of her skull, she was red skinned with black slashes along her arms, a vaguely humanoid torso, slender serpentine neck, legs, and back. Her belly skin, running from under her jaw, down her front, and a little under her tail, was yellow, and she had a yellow-gold stand-up mane, made more of feathers than hair, tangled with braids and beads. She had slender raptor-like hind legs, as did all Molouks, ending in raptor claws, including one large hooked claw on each foot. Her relatively short, thick tail was held relaxed in relief as she gained the knowledge that she was in good company.”

Mugshot vs. narrative description. I know which one
I prefer!

I've received feedback on a passage like this that made the reader feel lost and overwhelmed with detail. This mugshot is almost purple-prose, as it detracts from the main narrative quite a bit and the reader has to remember what the scene was about –– if they bother to read through the whole description, that is.

There's nothing wrong with mentioning a few details about a character when you first meet them, enough for the reader to get a general gist of what they look like, even if you don't end up describing more of the character later. For example, from a later revision of Sunstone:

 

“A woman cracked the door open, and he looked down upon her. She was only about four feet tall, a dwarf among humans, with neatly plaited brown hair. Upon her middle right finger was a golden ring.

“Mrs. Fahleye,” Henry said, daring to let his hoods down. “Is your husband home?”

“Who are you?” she demanded in her somewhat high-pitched voice.

“Henry,” he whispered. “He'll know which one.”

She squinted at him before she closed the door. Moments later he heard the thunder of feet, and the door swung back open. A tall, middle-aged man with a lean body in a blue robe appeared. His blue eyes were wide, and his mouth hung open.”

See how I tied the description of Mrs. Fahleye's ring into Henry's purpose for being there: seeing her husband? Such introductory details can be simple and poignant. A brief description of these characters is sufficient for the reader to understand what they look like, and I could continue narrating their descriptions through the rest of the scene.

Narrated Description

Narrated description is working the description of the characters through the narrative. Let's go back to my mugshot description of Tasaru and see what I did to narrate her description instead. This excerpt is a little lengthy, but bear with me. I've bolded the descriptions and details (what's unique about her) of Tasaru.

“Tasaru's claws scraped on the cement floor as they entered. She scented the air immediately for any signs of danger and only found mold, water, cigarette smoke, and a faint smell of body odor.

“The lady should be down the corridor and up the stairs,” the guard mumbled, pointing down the southern hall.

The fairy jetted from the guard's coat and hovered in a circle while he clambered down a set of stairs, muttering and cursing about a burnt-out cigarette before his voice faded. Tasaru's tail relaxed.

“Although he doesn't want to admit it he really is getting a soft spot for me,” the fairy said, words tumbling out. Tasaru continued down the hall. The last thing she needed was to repay a favor she never asked for. “Hey! Are you listening to me?”

“No,” she replied, thin, angled ears lain back in her hood. “But I am grateful that you persuaded that man to let me in.”

“I don't mind! He always listens to me he does,” the fairy squeaked, gliding after Tasaru. “By the way, I'm Arian the Ambitious.”

 

Tasaru nodded politely, but was less than interested in small-talk. Her mission, understanding rumors of a relic that could spell either cursings or blessings for the Southern Isles, outweighed pleasantries with strangers. Tasaru concentrated on ascending the tower steps. Arian quickly darted in front of the Tasaru and led the way with a miniature smirk.

“So what do you think of Narom?” Arian inquired.

“I've been to better dumps,” Tasaru muttered as they reached a door at the top of the steps. Arian giggled. Her clawed hands reached out and pressed the handle down, and she entered.

“You know, it's polite to knock.”

Tasaru turned to the speaker, blinking. There stood a golden-brown Hakaan garbed in a dark green cloak with a metallic belt. She was hawk-like in the fore, wolf-like in the hind, and two large wings hung from her shoulders. Tasaru threw her head and laughed. This was turning out better than she hoped.

“My lady Hera!” she exclaimed. “I had suspected that maybe you were here, but on the other hand . . . they usually leave Narom to the soldiers.”

“Is that who I think it is?” Hera clicked as the fairy landed on one scaly arm. Tasaru unfastened her cloak and hung it over one arm. Her humanoid torso and raptor-like legs were adorned with steel armor that gleamed in the warm glow of the lanterns. She held her short, thick tail low and grinned at her friend.

“Tas!” Hera purred, grasping Tasaru's black and red forearm. “I haven't seen you for . . .” She cocked her feathery head. “Well, for awhile now. Well met, my friend!”

“I had expected more resistance on the way in,” Tasaru told the lupogryph, taking her helm off and revealing a slim saurian head. Her yellow mane, a mixture of long hairs and feathers that ran down the crest of her serpentine neck, rose slightly as she glanced at Arian. “If it hadn't been for this fairy, I would have climbed the walls.”

Arian rolled her eyes, but smiled at the compliment. Hera turned and set Arian in a sort of shrine complete with a small bed and various other items.

The whole room itself had upholstered chairs and a small bed and dresser. A wide window faced the southern canyon, rain pounding against the glass as lightning flashed and struck at the sodden forest.

“Please, sit,” Hera invited, lowering herself into a chair. She flipped her wolfish tail onto her lap and let her wings spread slightly over the armrests. “I have a feeling we have much to talk about.”

Instead of taking a chair with a back, Tasaru chose a nearby stool and sat, armored kilt tinkling, and let her tail hang limply. She let her helm rest on one thigh, the single metallic-gray stone embedded on top reflecting the yellow light. Hera blinked and then released a rasping chuckle.”

I wasn't just working descriptions of Tasaru into this scene either; I was also weaving in descriptions of Hera and Arian. Think of describing your characters as meeting a person and just glancing them over before having a conversation with them; you usually don't stand and stare at a person for a moment to get every single detail in. Details usually register to you over time as you are around a person.

I caution against narrating descriptions very late in the story that should have been narrated very early on. For example, I could have written this scene without describing the characters at all, and my (confused) reader would probably just have assumed they were human. Then let's say they suddenly come across this scene later in Sunstone:

“Sunlight filtered through the trees, casting a golden sheen across the flanks of trees and the dewy grass. Rising from her sleeping pad, Tasaru shook her neck, her breath ascending as a mist in the cool morn. She stood without a sound, stretching her slim naked torso, arms and legs. Her muscles trembled in relief as the rays of the virgin sun lit up her yellow belly.”

My reader would probably be wondering how Tasaru “shook her neck,” when humans have short necks. Well, she has a long neck that can shake like a snake in a lake. And what is up with that yellow belly? If I hadn't explained earlier on through narrated description what a Molouk looked like, the reader might think Tasaru had a bad case of jaundice. However, since the reader should have already gotten the impression Tasaru is a rather colorful creature (as I mentioned red and black skin in the scene with Hera), it should seem normal for her to have yellow belly-skin as well. (Molouks are quite the colorful lot.)

Describing Character Personality

If you can show a character's personality traits while narrating their description, you'll have a smoother and more enjoyable narrative for your reader.

We'll refer once more to the scene where Tasaru meets Hera to dig out personality traits and descriptions. I'll make note of what the descriptions may mean/imply to the reader in bold, and more explicit deep point of view things in italic.

Tasaru's claws scraped on the cement floor as they entered. She scented the air immediately for any signs of danger [Tasaru is cautious, prepared, a warrior] and only found mold, water, cigarette smoke, and a faint smell of body odor.

“The lady should be down the corridor and up the stairs,” the guard mumbled, pointing down the southern hall.

The fairy jetted from the guard's coat and hovered in a circle while he clambered down a set of stairs, muttering and cursing about a burnt-out cigarette before his voice faded. Tasaru's tail relaxed. [She was uneasy around the guard.]

“Although he doesn't want to admit it he really is getting a soft spot for me,” the fairy said, words tumbling out. [Arian likes to talk, seems eager.] Tasaru continued down the hall. The last thing she needed was to repay a favor she never asked for. “Hey! Are you listening to me?”

“No,” she replied, thin, angled ears lain back in her hood. [Many creatures with ears that do this can mean they're angry or annoyed.] “But I am grateful that you persuaded that man to let me in.”

“I don't mind! He always listens to me he does,” the fairy squeaked, gliding after Tasaru. “By the way, I'm Arian the Ambitious.”

Tasaru nodded politely, but was less than interested in small-talk. Her mission, understanding rumors of a relic that could spell either cursings or blessings for the Southern Isles, outweighed pleasantries with strangers. Tasaru concentrated on ascending the tower steps. Arian quickly darted in front of the Tasaru and led the way with a miniature smirk. [Arian is nonplussed by Tasaru's stand-offishness.]

“So what do you think of Narom?” Arian inquired.

“I've been to better dumps,” Tasaru muttered as they reached a door at the top of the steps. Arian giggled. Her clawed hands reached out and pressed the handle down, and she entered.

“You know, it's polite to knock.”

Tasaru turned to the speaker, blinking. There stood a golden-brown Hakaan garbed in a dark green cloak with a metallic belt. She was hawk-like in the fore, wolf-like in the hind, and two large wings hung from her shoulders. Tasaru threw her head and laughed. [We know she's in good company now.] This was turning out better than she hoped.

“My lady Hera!” she exclaimed. “I had suspected that maybe you were here, but on the other hand . . . they usually leave Narom to the soldiers.”

“Is that who I think it is?” Hera clicked as the fairy landed on one scaly arm. Tasaru unfastened her cloak and hung it over one arm. Her humanoid torso and raptor-like legs were adorned with steel armor that gleamed in the warm glow of the lanterns. She held her short, thick tail low and grinned at her friend. [Relaxing gestures also help describe how she as a Molouk reacts to friends.]

“Tas!” Hera purred, grasping Tasaru's black and red forearm. [Friendly physical contact.] “I haven't seen you for . . .” She cocked her feathery head. “Well, for awhile now. Well met, my friend!”

“I had expected more resistance on the way in,” Tasaru told the lupogryph, taking her helm off and revealing a slim saurian head. Her yellow mane, a mixture of long hairs and feathers that ran down the crest of her serpentine neck, rose slightly [maybe expressing some gratitude or surprise despite earlier chagrin] as she glanced at Arian. “If it hadn't been for this fairy, I would have climbed the walls.”

Arian rolled her eyes, but smiled at the compliment. [Pretends to reluctantly accept the gratitude.] Hera turned and set Arian [is caring for her friend] in a sort of shrine complete with a small bed and various other items.

The whole room itself had upholstered chairs and a small bed and dresser. A wide window faced the southern canyon, rain pounding against the glass as lightning flashed and struck at the sodden forest.

“Please, sit,” Hera invited, lowering herself into a chair. She flipped her wolfish tail onto her lap and let her wings spread slightly over the armrests. “I have a feeling we have much to talk about.”

Instead of taking a chair with a back, Tasaru chose a nearby stool and sat, armored kilt tinkling, and let her tail hang limply. She let her helm rest on one thigh, the single metallic-gray stone embedded on top reflecting the yellow light. Hera blinked and then released a rasping chuckle.

As you can see, physical details can be indicative of a character's personality and feelings. Use the descriptions side-by-side to round out a character, along with deep point of view. And while I use third-person with the POV limited to Tasaru, I'm able to explore some of the personalities and reactions of the other characters at the same time.

I hope going through these excerpts and comments is helpful to your own writing. What stories have you seen well-done descriptions in? Have you ever seen a snake shake in a lake? Comment below!